Jonah's Story

Today while waiting to fly, I read the book of Jonah. There are so many comparisons with Jonah's tale (no pun intended) and my own story of addiction and recovery.

In Chapter 1, God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh and preach against it. Ninevah was a dangerous city that was well-known for it's attrocities so Jonah fought against God's calling and fled. In fact, he fled in the toal opposite direction from where God wanted him to go. I had similar experience when I first accepted Christ and he started to convict me of my addiction. Repeatedly after acting out, which for me involved pornography, God would place on my heart to repent from my actions. Most of the time I would try to silence that voice by distracting myself with work or other things.

Jonah's escape vessel was a ship and God struck it with a violent storm that threatened to destroy the entire vessel. The ship's crew were well-aware of this fact but Jonah was sound asleep. He was sleeping so deeply that the captain of the vessel had to wake him up and ask him "How can you sleep?" This was where I was with my addiction. Everyone knew I had a problem and that my ship was sinking except myself because I was asleep in denial over my addiction.

Eventually Jonah volunteers to be thrown overboard in the hope to save the ship, but not before the sailors try to do evrything possible to save Jonah. My wife sacrificed over and overt to hold things together while I continued on in my addiction.

Once Jonah is thrown overboard he begins to drown in the raging sea. He describes the swirling currents that threatened to engulf him and the seaweed that was wrapped around his head. What's marvelous picture of addiction! Jonah had made the decision to be accountable for his actions by volunteering to be thrown overboard. He was willing to pay the consequence for his sins and felt totally trapped and was drowning. As I started down the road to recovery, things got worse and not better at first as I faced all the hurt and pain I caused my loved ones. There were times when I didn't want to be transparent to my wife because I was so tired of letting her down. There were times when I didn't want to talk to others about my addiction because I didn't want to be known as the pervert.

That was when God stepped in and rescued Jonah, not with a ship, but with a great fish. Can you imagine what it was like to be in the belly of that whale? You have nothing to do, can't see the end in sight, and it smells. But check out what Jonah did during that time. He prayed and thanked God. He thanked God because even though he was in an aweful place, the alternative would have been death. That's what recovery is about. It's painful, lonlely at times, and stinks. But if we keep on the path that we're going, the only thing that awaits us is death. Death of our families, death of our careers, spiritual death, and even physical death. All of which results in the death of our souls after we die in this world.

So may you awaken from your slumber. And may you be willing to step off of whatever escape vessel your on to face the waters below. And may the Lord, our God, rescue you and bring you out of your pit to new life.

Location:Seobinggo-dong,Seoul,South Korea

iPod Blog App

Trying out this blogger app on the iPod Touch. It's pretty sweet and now I can write wherever I am. I can't wait to use it more.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Seobinggo-dong,Seoul,South Korea

It's My Room!

Today Marina and I got into a big fight over her room. Since she was a small child, Marina's room has always been a bit of a disaster area. It regularly looks like a small tornado, or micro-burst, started to go through her room; realized half-way through that the tornado was actually making the room cleaner, and then just gave up. Our 9 yr-old son is much the same way with cleanliness, except he shares his room with Phillip, who likes to keep his toys in their original boxes. This makes for a wonderfully charming dyamic between the two.

This weekend I finally got tired of stumbling through their rooms like a blind burglar and decided to consolidate the two messy children into the same room. Marina would move into Nick's room and Phillip would move into Marina's room. As you can imagine, it was NOT a popular decision, except with Phillip, who gets Marina's room for a week. Some of the discussions included whether this move would backfire and push Marina further away, and whether she had a right to maintain her room the way she saw fit.

I thought long and hard about this because I definitely do NOT want to push Marina away during these last couple of years in high school. At the same time, we have certain expectations for the room that Mary and I give to our kids. Even though it costs the kids nothing to receive, it costs Mary and me a lot of money and hard work to give the rooms. It's not unreasonable then, that we want to see our gifts taken care of.

I started to think of how we view our bodies as belonging to ourselves and we have the "right" to use our bodies as we desire. The reality, however, is something totally different. Our bodies are gifts from God. Not only that, they are united with Christ himself. In 1 Cor 6:15 Paul reminds us Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and untie them with a prostitute? Never! Later on, in 1 Cor 6:19, Paul continues with Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

I have lived in a state of rebellion as a sexual addict. I treated my body as if it were mine and mine alone and defiled my body in an affair and through my sexual acting out. I still struggle with tempation of mind and body even though God, just a few verses earlier (1 Cor 6:18) commands us to Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Paul is clearly telling us that our sexual sins are not just against God but destructive to ourselves. Yet despite all of this, my rebellious, sinful nature reaches out for that which will destroy us.

Romans 12:1 says Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So in the end, my rebellion against God, through my sexual addiction, is not unlike my daughter's and son's rebellion against me with "their" room. It would seem that we all must learn to listen more carefully to our fathers and honor the gifts that our fathers give to us as our spiritual acts of worship. In this way, we will be transformed from what we are to what God wants us to be.

An Incredible Revelation

It was 11:45 PM a few nights ago, Mary had gone to sleep and I felt this strong compulsion to read the Bible. I read some from Psalms and Isaiah, but what really struck me was Romans. Chapters 2-3 just opened my eyes to understanding several things. It was amazing because through the Holy spirit I finally understood the purpose of the Law, or Old Testament, and how we fit into the law and God's righteousness. Most of all, I'm beginning to understand, in my heart and not just in my head, the true meaning of Jesus' salvation.

You are righteous when you obey God's laws, even if you know nothing about them. On the other hand, if you know the law and brag about your relationship with God and don't live the law, you will actually push people away from God. Romans 2:28 says "a man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly." There are a lot of times when I fit into this category. I spend my time talking about my relationship with God, but not living it. When was the last time I helped out the poor? When was the last time I reached out to the broken through action rather than words? When was the last time I made a commitment to help those in need and saw it through?

So back to righteousness. God uses the law to show us how high His standards are, but the Jews missed the point and focused on the outward actions rather than the inward heart. So along comes Jesus to help clarify that what's on the inside is even more important than the outside. In Romans 3:11 Paul paraphrases Psalms 14:103 and says "there is no one righteous, not even one," which is that no matter what we do, we will fail to meet God's perfect standards. Under the law we would truly have to be zero-defects.

But here's the deal, the purpose of the law is to hold the entire world accountable to God, and none of us will be declared righteous by observing the law alone, because honestly, none of us are good enough. However, God uses the law to make us conscious of sin. In other words, the law is a barometer of sin.

So how can we be righteous in God's eyes? Through FAITH in Jesus Christ! Paul reminds us "all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." I find this reassuring especially when Satan uses my guilt, about my addiction, to attack me and push me away from God and away from my family.

This next verse is so critical to this discussion. Romans 3:24-25 says "and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood."

Justification is when a judge declares a defendant not guilty. So picture that you're in a courtroom, because we're ALL going to be in front of a judge when we die. All your sins, each and everyone of them, are presented before God. The evidence is overwhelmingly against you. God asks is anyone will speak on your behalf. If nobody speaks, God will find you guilty and you will spend the rest of eternity shut off from God, in Hell, forever in torment.

Instead, Jesus rises and testifies for you because you accepted him into your life. He says that he already atoned, or sacrificed to take your place as guilty. Jesus' sacrifice of atonement purchased your freedom, which is the meaning of redemption (to purchase someone out of slavery and give them their freedom). After hearing Jesus speak, God turns to you and pronounces you "Not Guilty" and you enter that gates of heaven, because you put your faith in Jesus.

Here's the best part, if you've accepted Jesus as your Savior in your heart, this day has already occurred. So you're free to go and sin no more. You're free to spread the Good News that this salvation and freedom are available to anyone. You're free to bring heaven to earth through your actions. Now go forth and sin no more.

Jesus Loves You.......This I Know

From the book, Jesus Loves You.... This I Know by Craig Gross and Jason Harper

The Power of Prayer

Right now we're going through an incredibly difficult time, which I will write about more in the near future. People have been praying for us continuously and it's just so humbling and incredible to see so many people speak to God on our behalf. What is even more humbling is when we see God respond to prayers, like in this video.

God Moment #3

Yesterday morning I was reading the Bible. I can't even begin to explain enough how much of a difference reading God's Word first thing in the morning brings to my whole day. What's weird is sometimes, He just reveals Himself and it totally freaks me out.

For example, yesterday I came across Psalm 18. There was a particular section, Psalm 18:16-19, that jumped out at me. It says,

He reached down from on high and took hold of me,

He drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place,

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

This verse really spoke to me because that's what God is doing with me right now, as He is saving me from myself. My foe is my addiction, and it's absolutely more powerful than I am.

Wave after endless wave.

I was sinking.

I was drowning.

I was dying.

Then God stepped in. He reached out and grabbed a hold of me, using ministries like XXXChurch, Pure Life, Freedom Ministries, and the Weekend to Remember Marriage Seminar. He pulled me into recovery and started to heal myself and my marriage.

And then came a period of relapses. Relapses, that I didn't treat as relapses because I thought that I hadn't fully give back in to my addiction, failing to realize that with each slip, I was sliding further back into the waters.

Like the swimmer who doesn't realize that he's gone to far from the shore.

Deeper and deeper.

Until I couldn't say I was sober. Until my demons confronted me on the day of my disaster. The day that I had to tell my wife that I relapsed.

It was at this time, that God stepped back into my life. He opened my eyes. He opened my heart. He reached back down, and rescued me from my powerful enemy and brought me out to a spacious place. A place of safety.

Why?

Because He delighted in me.

In me.

A struggling addict who couldn't even see his addiction for what it was.

He delighted in me.

So how is this a God Moment? Well, that same morning when I read this verse, I went downstairs to get ready for our trip to Everland. I started listening to a new podcast called Porn to Purity. It's done by a married couple that share their struggle with sexual addiction. The husband's addiction had cost him his ministry and nearly destroyed their lives, because addiction isn't just about the addict.

The wife was talking about what was helping her get through. I say getting through, because they were 2 years into recovery, which reminded me that recovery is more than just 12-steps. The wife started to share Bible verses that really helped her, and the first one she shared was Psalm 18:18. The very verse that an hour earlier I had just read and that God spoke into my heart so profoundly.

It was like this reinforcement of how much He loved me. It was like a reminder of His comittment to me.

And then this morning, while reading Rob Bell's Sex God, which is a book about God's plan for sex, I started to see how all of this was connected. I started to see how God had been working in my life all these years, leading me to this point in my recovery where I was open to Him. It's amazing to see how He interconnects things. In fact, it blew me away when I saw it, but I'll save that for later.

The Heart of the Matter

This morning I read Job 31:9-12 which really spoke to me, especially Job 31:9-10 which says:

"If my heart has been enticed by a woman or if I have lurked at my neighbor's door, then may my wife grind another man's grain, and may other men sleep with her."

Job states that if his heart has been captured by another woman, then his wife may as well sleep with other men because that is the same that he has done by giving his heart to another.

The word "enticed" is such an excellent word because it's so easy for us, as men, to forget how easily we can be led, or lead ourselves, astray. As a recovering sex addict I convinced myself that I wasn't cheating on my wife because I was not having a physical affair even though Jesus clearly states in Matthew 5:29:

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

During the course of my recovery I've learned that lusting after a woman is the same as cheating on my wife, and my wife confirmed this as well. Slowly over time God has opened my eyes to see the destruction that my addiction caused and at times the pain and guilt threaten to overwhelm me. He's also opened my eyes to see how willingly I allowed my heart to become enticed by other women, whether I knew them in real life or online. I thought that my addiction was just about satisfying my physical cravings, but I've realized that it was also about my emotional needs, which were even more poisonous to my family and myself.

Lord, I confess that I have sinned in both my body and my heart, and I repent from my ways and ask that with your help Dear Lord that you continue to strengthen me through my recovery. Lord, I ask for your healing touch in my heart, my wive's heart, and my children's hearts. I ask, Lord, that you help me forgive myself, and help me release my guilt to you Lord.

New Family Blogsite

Mary and I started this blog to provide family and friends with light-hearted pictures and updates of what was going on in our lives. Over time, it's taken on a more serious tone and really started to address our spiritual journey as well as my road to recovery. We tried to do both but feel that if we started another blogsite we would be able to do a better job at focusing on each topic. Therefore, it's with great excitement that we bring you The Funsized Family Blog which will focus on all the stuff that we had originally planned to discuss before I hijacked the blog with my rambling, whiny, endless blog posts.

Anna's Hair Tramua

I was sitting at the computer when I heard a child crying at the playground, which is not an unusual event.  After a minute, I realized that it was Anna, which once again wasn't an unusual event.  What was unusual though was when I heard the other kids start to panic, which caused me to run outside. 

Anna and her friend were giving each other rides on a moving hand cart.  It's one of those things that movers use to haul boxes up and down.  Anna's hair got caught and her friend kept pushing the cart.  Her hair was completely tangled around the wheel and when I finally got her untangled we had a huge clump of Anna's hair.  Here are some pics.

The Heart of Worship

One of the things that I'm bad about is judging a church by its worship music.  If I don't like the music, I don't like the church.  In fact, that was one of the big reason we left the first church we went to in Kansas, even though the pastor delivered excellent sermons and their congregation was active.

I find mysef wanting, or better yet, demanding that the worship music make me feel a certain way and then I can focus on God.  When I do this, it becomes all about me and not about Him.  

Today, God used this video to speak to my heart, and how I need to change my attitude towards worship.  I've actually said the line about the guitar not being loud enough!  In the end, it's not about us, it's all about Him and it's about time I start remembering that.

Marina with Leni and Jeffery at her first Military Ball

Marina was invited to her first Military Ball.  Ha, now she knows what I go through!!!  She had a good time but admitted that all the speeches were BORING!!  I actually felt for her.  I can't believe that my little baby girl is going to be 15 in 2 weeks!!

Fireproof Bible Study

We were doing a Bible Study on the movie Fireproof, which is a movie about marriage and the effect of pornography in the marriage. We were blessed to have one of the movie actors, Ken Bevel, join us and share his testimony. It was incredible.

My lovely ladies

God Moment #2

A few weeks ago, I was in the shower. In the past, I would often act out sexually (masturbate) in the shower. One of my basic boundaries for staying sober is no porn and no masturbation.

This particular day, I was very tempted to act out and could feel myself starting to disconnect and go into my fantasy world. I said a prayer to God for help. All of a sudden a centipede-like bug crawled by my foot in the shower. I had to kill it, which knocked me out of my mood and saved me from relapsing.

It's an incredible reminder that God IS listening and acting in our lives everday. At the same time, it totally freaked me out because God answered my prayer instantly, which reminds me that He is there ALL the time and knows our every thought and action even before we do. Praise God!

January Pics

Well, it's been way too long since we've last updated the blog. We've been spending a lot of time on Facebook :) Here are a few pictures from January. It was a quiet month and we focused on catching our breath from the Christmas season. We were blessed to spend some time with the Kim's, who are friends of ours from CGSC at Fort Leavenworth.

God Moment #1

We've decided to keep track of the little God Moments as reminders of how God works throughout our lives and the lives of those around us.

Tonight's God moment was when Anna, Nick, Mary, and I were praying before bed. Here's what Anna prayed for:

"that Papi can get to work on time and that Grandma Ruth won't step on thorns."

 

On New Years Eve we went to a Norebang (a Korean Karoke room) with some friends.  This is Anna and Tyler having fun singing the itsy bitsy spider!

We had just goten out of Christmas service and went to the Dragon Hil to see all the Christmas decorations.  They had a countdown to Christmas so the kids got their picture by it.

We were at the Plaza Hotel and Mike went upstairs to get a picture of all the kids from above.  

We took the kids ice skating.  It was so nice, they had lots of fun.

Marina and Anna. 

After we went ice skating we took the kids to get a snack a a Dunkin Donuts.  On our way we stopped by a Palace by the City Hall and snapped this photo.

The kids are sledding in our backyard.  Not much snow but they didn't care, they still had fun!!

Nick Christmas Caroling at the Dragon with his class.  Anna and I went to watch, it was so cute!!

Skating in Seoul

The family went skating at the City Hall in Seoul. It only cost 1,000 won to go skating and included the skates!

Guitar Hero World Tour