Fantasy Perpetrator

Here's one of my not-so-well-kept secrets.  I'm a huge comic book fan.  I recently purchased a large collection of old comic books and came across an issue that really stuck in my mind.

In All-Star Squadron #20 (a comic book that takes place during WW II), the Justice Society of America (JSA) was captured by the evil Brainwave. He used his telepathic powers to hypnotize and immerse his victims in a fantasy world where they were fighting the Japanese with their superpowers and having tremendous success. The fantasy world was so realistic that the JSA couldn't distinguish the fantasy from the reality. Eventually Brainwave turned the fantasy around on the heroes and had the fantasy Japanese military "kill" the super-heroes. This had the effect of rendering each hero catatonic and near death. Brainwave knew that once the first superhero died in real life, it would push the other ones over the edge and they would die as well. A second team of superheroes (All-Star Squadron) tried to save the JSA by intentionally entering Brainwave's fantasy world. Despite the fact that they knew from the beginning that this was a fantasy, one by one they also succumbed to Brainwave's fantasy world, were "killed" and rendered catatonic.

The last hero to arrive was the Golden Age Green Lantern. He entered Brainwave's world totally unaware that it was a fantasy. He found the fantasy bodies of his friends that were killed by the Japanese soldiers. Enraged Green Lantern attacked the Japanese military and slaughtered them without mercy. Next he attacked and destroyed the nearby Japanese city, killing innocent women and children.

After his destruction of the city, Green Lantern instantly regretted his action.  He couldn't believe what he did while in the grips of his grief and rage.  He finds it so devastating that he decides to end his own life and destroy his ring (the source of GL's powers) so that level of evil can never occur again.

However, Green Lantern's attack was so powerful that it overloaded Brainwave's equipment and  threatened to kill Brainwave, the creator of the fantasy world. In a desperate attempt to save himself, Brainwave released all his victims and shutdown his fantasy world.  Green Lantern's friends communicate with Green Lantern at the last minute, preventing GL from committing suicide.  He was shocked to see that it was all an illusion and that his friends were alive and well. He was even more horrified at what he did while in the grips of Brainwave's fantasy world. His friends tried to console the Green Lantern  by telling him that it wasn't real and nobody was really hurt. Nevertheless Green Lantern remained devastated by his actions, real or imaginary.

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)

It's no coincidence that Jesus focuses on our thought life and what's in our heart.  Our hearts can lead us astray.  We can dull the biting edge of our Holy Spirit-guided conscious by continually ignoring it. Our hearts and our minds are a reflection of who we are or at the very least where we are.

As I continued down the road of sexual addiction, one of the ways that I would act out was by reading erotica. In many ways the extremely graphic nature of the stories was even more powerful than the pictures and movies  that I would watch. I would play the scenes over and over  in my mind. When the stories became repetitious I would simply change the actors (myself always being the "star") or the scenario. Over time, the stories that I sought transitioned from the soft core to increasingly extreme hardcore (because lust is NEVER satisfied). I was free to do whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted within the fantasy world inside my mind.

This became the point when I started viewing myself as a monster. I couldn't believe the things that I needed to arouse myself and started to become terrified of what the next step might be. The fantasy world was becoming indistinguishable from reality.  I could relate to Green Lantern's feelings of shock and disgust with himself.  I would try to convince myself that since it was only a fantasy, it wasn't real, but I knew better.

Eventually God convicted me that there were victims of my sin that I refused to acknowledge.  The nameless actress in the image or movie who came from a lifetime of abuse, the author of the story that I encouraged to write more stories that would take him or her to darker places in their mind, my wife to whom I cheated on over and over in my heart, my kids who would figure out what was going on.  The moment when God removed the scales from my eyes was simultaneously the most painful and glorious moment of my life.  He used it to pull me out of the pit that I was stuck in and bring me into a loving and healing relationship.

There are times when it is still a struggle.  When my past sins taunt me as reminders of who I was.  At times, they beckon me to return to my old ways and try to romanticize the "good old days" of acting out.  It is in those moments where God whispers to my heart and reminds me of how far we've come.  He reminds me of the good He is doing in my life and the healing He is performing in my family.  Like the Green Lantern, I will always remember my actions, but unlike the comic books, where God is rarely represented in a positive fashion, I also know that my sins have been forgiven and I am free to live in Christ, which is greater than having any superpower in the world!

An Incredible Revelation

It was 11:45 PM a few nights ago, Mary had gone to sleep and I felt this strong compulsion to read the Bible. I read some from Psalms and Isaiah, but what really struck me was Romans. Chapters 2-3 just opened my eyes to understanding several things. It was amazing because through the Holy spirit I finally understood the purpose of the Law, or Old Testament, and how we fit into the law and God's righteousness. Most of all, I'm beginning to understand, in my heart and not just in my head, the true meaning of Jesus' salvation.

You are righteous when you obey God's laws, even if you know nothing about them. On the other hand, if you know the law and brag about your relationship with God and don't live the law, you will actually push people away from God. Romans 2:28 says "a man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly." There are a lot of times when I fit into this category. I spend my time talking about my relationship with God, but not living it. When was the last time I helped out the poor? When was the last time I reached out to the broken through action rather than words? When was the last time I made a commitment to help those in need and saw it through?

So back to righteousness. God uses the law to show us how high His standards are, but the Jews missed the point and focused on the outward actions rather than the inward heart. So along comes Jesus to help clarify that what's on the inside is even more important than the outside. In Romans 3:11 Paul paraphrases Psalms 14:103 and says "there is no one righteous, not even one," which is that no matter what we do, we will fail to meet God's perfect standards. Under the law we would truly have to be zero-defects.

But here's the deal, the purpose of the law is to hold the entire world accountable to God, and none of us will be declared righteous by observing the law alone, because honestly, none of us are good enough. However, God uses the law to make us conscious of sin. In other words, the law is a barometer of sin.

So how can we be righteous in God's eyes? Through FAITH in Jesus Christ! Paul reminds us "all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." I find this reassuring especially when Satan uses my guilt, about my addiction, to attack me and push me away from God and away from my family.

This next verse is so critical to this discussion. Romans 3:24-25 says "and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood."

Justification is when a judge declares a defendant not guilty. So picture that you're in a courtroom, because we're ALL going to be in front of a judge when we die. All your sins, each and everyone of them, are presented before God. The evidence is overwhelmingly against you. God asks is anyone will speak on your behalf. If nobody speaks, God will find you guilty and you will spend the rest of eternity shut off from God, in Hell, forever in torment.

Instead, Jesus rises and testifies for you because you accepted him into your life. He says that he already atoned, or sacrificed to take your place as guilty. Jesus' sacrifice of atonement purchased your freedom, which is the meaning of redemption (to purchase someone out of slavery and give them their freedom). After hearing Jesus speak, God turns to you and pronounces you "Not Guilty" and you enter that gates of heaven, because you put your faith in Jesus.

Here's the best part, if you've accepted Jesus as your Savior in your heart, this day has already occurred. So you're free to go and sin no more. You're free to spread the Good News that this salvation and freedom are available to anyone. You're free to bring heaven to earth through your actions. Now go forth and sin no more.

God Moment #3

Yesterday morning I was reading the Bible. I can't even begin to explain enough how much of a difference reading God's Word first thing in the morning brings to my whole day. What's weird is sometimes, He just reveals Himself and it totally freaks me out.

For example, yesterday I came across Psalm 18. There was a particular section, Psalm 18:16-19, that jumped out at me. It says,

He reached down from on high and took hold of me,

He drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place,

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

This verse really spoke to me because that's what God is doing with me right now, as He is saving me from myself. My foe is my addiction, and it's absolutely more powerful than I am.

Wave after endless wave.

I was sinking.

I was drowning.

I was dying.

Then God stepped in. He reached out and grabbed a hold of me, using ministries like XXXChurch, Pure Life, Freedom Ministries, and the Weekend to Remember Marriage Seminar. He pulled me into recovery and started to heal myself and my marriage.

And then came a period of relapses. Relapses, that I didn't treat as relapses because I thought that I hadn't fully give back in to my addiction, failing to realize that with each slip, I was sliding further back into the waters.

Like the swimmer who doesn't realize that he's gone to far from the shore.

Deeper and deeper.

Until I couldn't say I was sober. Until my demons confronted me on the day of my disaster. The day that I had to tell my wife that I relapsed.

It was at this time, that God stepped back into my life. He opened my eyes. He opened my heart. He reached back down, and rescued me from my powerful enemy and brought me out to a spacious place. A place of safety.

Why?

Because He delighted in me.

In me.

A struggling addict who couldn't even see his addiction for what it was.

He delighted in me.

So how is this a God Moment? Well, that same morning when I read this verse, I went downstairs to get ready for our trip to Everland. I started listening to a new podcast called Porn to Purity. It's done by a married couple that share their struggle with sexual addiction. The husband's addiction had cost him his ministry and nearly destroyed their lives, because addiction isn't just about the addict.

The wife was talking about what was helping her get through. I say getting through, because they were 2 years into recovery, which reminded me that recovery is more than just 12-steps. The wife started to share Bible verses that really helped her, and the first one she shared was Psalm 18:18. The very verse that an hour earlier I had just read and that God spoke into my heart so profoundly.

It was like this reinforcement of how much He loved me. It was like a reminder of His comittment to me.

And then this morning, while reading Rob Bell's Sex God, which is a book about God's plan for sex, I started to see how all of this was connected. I started to see how God had been working in my life all these years, leading me to this point in my recovery where I was open to Him. It's amazing to see how He interconnects things. In fact, it blew me away when I saw it, but I'll save that for later.

God Moment #2

A few weeks ago, I was in the shower. In the past, I would often act out sexually (masturbate) in the shower. One of my basic boundaries for staying sober is no porn and no masturbation.

This particular day, I was very tempted to act out and could feel myself starting to disconnect and go into my fantasy world. I said a prayer to God for help. All of a sudden a centipede-like bug crawled by my foot in the shower. I had to kill it, which knocked me out of my mood and saved me from relapsing.

It's an incredible reminder that God IS listening and acting in our lives everday. At the same time, it totally freaked me out because God answered my prayer instantly, which reminds me that He is there ALL the time and knows our every thought and action even before we do. Praise God!

God Moment #1

We've decided to keep track of the little God Moments as reminders of how God works throughout our lives and the lives of those around us.

Tonight's God moment was when Anna, Nick, Mary, and I were praying before bed. Here's what Anna prayed for:

"that Papi can get to work on time and that Grandma Ruth won't step on thorns."